Testing, Testing, 1... 2... 3...

UGH,
Today is PARCC testing for my daughter and its not our favorite thing to do, obviously.
I know what my anxiety issues are like, but then we think about how a 12 year old is handling them, and I feel horrible for her.

She has been down once to check in with me, and I sent her back up with a bottle of water. I hope she is ok.

I always feel bad - have I created this?
I know she has seen my anxiety through her own eyes, I fear it was a learned thing, and not a DNA thing.

At any rate, I am thankful for the woman who is overseeing the testing. She brought my LO down and had all good things to say, did all she could to ease the Anxiety. I am so thankful.

I hope it gets better as the day goes on...

Test #2 is this afternoon at 1pm

Snow Day.... when do I get one?

I'm sure most people in my area woke up praying for the snow to be gone.
Me?

I woke up praying for my dreams to not be real.
I woke up from a dream about my past, and prayed it wasn't real.
But flashbacks are real.

They aren't just memories.

My flashbacks - MY flashbacks are waking up from a horrible dream, and then going to make coffee. And while I'm standing at the coffee pot, seeing my Grandfather walk from the doorway behind me.
They aren't just dreams, not just thoughts - they are projections.
They are seeing my husbands face distort into HIS. They are seeing him standing at my bedroom door at 2am when I wake up from nothing.

Today - it is beautiful outside.
The trees are covered in snow, and the clouds match the color.
But inside, I am wishing I hadn't gone to bed last night.

I know he is dead - I know when I see him, he is not real.
But in my dreams, behind closed eyes - he is still real; the fear of him, is still very much real.